Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize