do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
