Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
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Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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