Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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