i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
