i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My Higher Power is John Stamos
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
The struggles of a small town man whore
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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