I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
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