i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
