I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
