Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
