I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Watching her eat just hurts me
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
