So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
