I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
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Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
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I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.