we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead