It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
