Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
