How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
