i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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