If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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