I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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