my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Randomize
