dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
