Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
