I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Apparently you make a good broom.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
