We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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