Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
