I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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