he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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