My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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