Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
