The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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