He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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