You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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