he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
