1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
