kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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