i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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