Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
