I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
COCAINE IS GR8
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
