I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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