The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
