DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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