I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
