whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
