a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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