He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
