Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You may now shotgun with the bride
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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