so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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