I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
