I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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