i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
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Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
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I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.