i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
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Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect