Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
