i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
found the other keg... it's in the tree
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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