is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
