I think I am morally bankrupt
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
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Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
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I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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