bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
