I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
